The courage of despair.
Illness takes courage.
Illness is a lonely undertaking.
The need to withdraw from your very own life.
To cover yourself. To appear brave and without pain
Pretending to be well so other's don't worry or
become uncomfortable if they catch you in a grimace.

I know the despair of illness.
Lying on a gurney prepped for surgery and knowing, knowing    
that my last conscious moment of
twenty-three years of life might be the face of Jimmy
through the round glass window of the door to the O.R.
Drugged and half-alive, I could read his worry and grief.

Courage of awakening in a recovery room. Alone.
Feeling you've just taken a ride in a cement mixer
The awareness of some strange journey you have experienced yet you remember nothing.
Courage to look forward. To know now I will heal and live.
Courage to find my feet back upon the ground, planted
    My body whole and healthy.
The seesaw through the extremes of life
The despair of illness and pain
The elation of health and vitality
The despair of illness
The elation of health
There came a time of courage during a later illness
when I discovered I could go into the illness and the loneliness without the partner of despair.
That it was just okay to be where I was.